Good morning beautiful people.
Let's talk about falling in love and its negative dimensions. Come on be honest there aren't any positive ones.
Yes, I am referring to that toxic feeling which one moment you feel alive and happy and the other moment it deaden every brain cell that moves, talks and behaves as a normal person because it keeps coming in your head now and then.
I am referring again to that horrible feeling that makes you feel like a stupid and insufficient person since your self-confidence is being stolen. You find yourself difficult to deal with simple things and you feel all the time weird, without understanding this weirdness if is either negative or positive; you only understand that you had peace before this and now it annoys you.
You are lost on your own words and lack of your sense of humour which you were so good at before. You see him/her and you are thinking ''Should I say hi or ignore him/her?'' because you are not yet ready to say hi to each other like normal persons, you are jealous people who you don't know, you are being paranoid and acting weird with no reason at all.
You know that you have messed everything up, big time. You realise this every time you are being isolated and you keep wondering ''Should I have done this instead of that?'', if he/she saw you pretending that you did not see her/him, if he understood that you still like him because you said hiiiiii with too many iiiis and these kind of things.
O K, you realise that you don't have no salvation in real life, you say ''f*** it , I will text him/her''. And you play with messages. But you find yourself from no 1 Champion Leagues taking an amateur's B role.
Because you don't know what does it mean stroked by love if you did not write 52.987 messages and deleted them; A simple ''How are you?'' And don't tell me that you are clueless. I am talking about those shitty moments wondering if you will sound too boring reading your text message and start torturing your self what he/she will think; ''here we go this a**hole'' or ''what does the stupid know want from me'', if he/she does not care, say something not sounding too available or don't text at all.
And you write and you delete, and rewrite and delete again until you are too tired and you don't send anything. You keep your self busy with something else but still you can't stop yourself from those horrible thoughts ''what if I have sent those messages? what could have happened?''. You think about it thoroughly, is just a simple ''How are you?'' but still for you is like you are running 10 hours.
Things of course take the whole opposite outcome from the desirable one when you decide to text something else rather than a simple ''How are you?''. A joke, tease him/her, a complaint perhaps something else anyways. At this current situation you forget syntax, grammar and everything else and your stomach is too tight waiting for that (reply) pop up light.
Things are not easier either way if he/she texts first. Thus he/she will give you the light to begin, but then again you will be in agony if you have replied correct or wrong, too fast or too late. Instant reply? No, he/she will think that you have nothing to do. Reply later? No, but when though? Not too late in case he/she thinks you don't care. Should I put a dot or exclamation mark? Too strict? Make it a bit mysterious? Rewrite, delete again, emoticons? traps; F*** it, there is no salvation whatever you do.
Why do you feel like this? And I will answer to you - Because being madly, deeply in love with someone is the most ill indulgent in the world and in rare cases if is real love will spread in you like a loving cholera; you have the obligation to let it do its thing and ravage you in sweatiness, got it? You should understand that people do not fall in love easy, they don't feel anything in easiness anymore. Don't let your hesitation to deny ''the colour'' in your daily life.
You may look as fool as you may believe but maybe the other side feels the same as well and maybe she/he admires your courage and your persistence contrasting next to his/her diffidence, in the case of course the love is mutual on both sides. But in case it is not, you should keep sending and expressing yourself, no matter how many times you will press the f***** back space button which has ravaged so many feelings from computers; and what about those people who have not sent? What did they understand?
Keep sending until your fingers stop from shaking, or until you are blocked or from interlocutory. And stop deleting. A little bird told me that guts are the new black.
Love. Flower Girl. x
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